/ #humor 

Titles of Stories by Lewis Carroll and Tom Stoppard That Were Never Written Because Carroll Was Too Opiated and Stoppard Sublimed into Pure Energy

Many, many years ago, I worked at a Barnes & Noble and to pass the time, my co-workers and I would come up with McSweeney’s-style lists. This is the only one that survives.

Lewis Carroll

  • White Rabbits, Cheshire Cats, and Other Literary Manifestations of my Freudian Obsession with Bestiality
  • Alice in Netherlands or Wooden Shoes, Tulips, and a Shit-ton of Weed
  • Fuck, that was Good O.
  • I Have a Proof that 2=0 Which this Margin is Too Small to Contain
  • A Children’s Story of Ritual Disembowelment and other Graphic Traditions to Scare the Hell out of Kids
  • A Story Predicting the Intersection of Georg Cantor and Salman Rushdie in a Four-Dimensional Metric Space
  • A Clever Allusion to a Seinfeld Episode Regarding Muffins

Tom Stoppard

  • Honey, Call the Handyman to Repair the Fourth Wall Again
  • A Masters Student who was Graduated Because His Thesis Committee Didn’t Understand a Goddamn Thing
  • Kierkegaard and Sartre Fight Over Protestant Roles in Existential Philosophy While Illustrating Points by Throwing Pies at the Audience
  • Meh, Shakespeare was a Hack, Anyways
  • A Total Ripoff of Clue: Master Edition
  • A Retelling of The Stranger with Mersault Played by Quentin Tarantino
  • Shit, I Forgot “Preternatural”


Emily is a data scientist and activist. The opinions shared herein are her own.